


It Wasn't Your Fault

by pandemoniax3



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternative Universe - FBI, Angst, Best Friends, Castiel (Supernatural) Has a Crush on Reader, Castiel (Supernatural)/Female Reader, Christmas, Christmas Fluff, Crying, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, FBI Agent Castiel (Supernatural), FBI Agent Sam Winchester, Friends to Lovers, Gen, Gentle Kissing, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, Marriage Proposal, Mild Smut, Partners to Lovers, Reader Has a Crush on Castiel (Supernatural), Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive, Sad, Sex, Witness Protection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:34:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21929788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandemoniax3/pseuds/pandemoniax3
Summary: With a heavy heart, you began walking down the sidewalk, unsure of how to face the future. Your biggest case was now closed, but at what cost? Surely, he would’ve been given the green light to come out of hiding now that Metatron was in custody? Unless, he didn’t make it… that had to be the best explanation, easier to deal with.If he didn’t make it though, someone would have told the division head, it didn’t make sense to think that way... unless, he decided during his year away that you weren’t worth it anymore.It wasn’t like anything was set in stone when you two had to go separate ways. What the two of you had was probably fleeting, and although the thought of him thinking that way broke your heart, deep down you knew that it was better that way. He probably realized that you weren’t worth his time, that he could do so much better than you—that you were poison.Despite the history the two of you had, the many years of friendship, the kiss before everything went down—he had every right to blame you for taking him away from his normal life with what you had done.Yeah, that would explain it.
Relationships: Castiel (Supernatural) & You, Castiel (Supernatural)/You, Sam Winchester & You
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	It Wasn't Your Fault

**Author's Note:**

> Good evening my babies, and an early Merry Christmas to y'all.
> 
> I wrote this mess in the past 2 days, had a hard time because I wasn't sure how to end it properly..  
> Explanation for the story itself will be posted with the notes below!
> 
> This has not been beta'd, and honestly I've gone through it so many times, I'm not even sure what to check for anymore lol. I do apologize for any incoherency, I'll explain more below.
> 
> Anyways, enjoy what you can! I honestly made myself cry a few times thinking about this plot.

It had been a whole year since you’ve last seen him. It’d been a crazy year, for sure, but knowing that he and others had to go into hiding because of your recklessness left a heavy burden on your shoulders that you carried to and from work every single day.

Your entire division was out for celebrations to night ; dinner, drinks and entertainment—the whole shebang, not only for  the holidays , but for a successful operation. Despite Metatron being behind bars and awaiting trial, you just couldn't get in the same mindset as the others had . 

Metatron was a monster, with one of the largest drugs and sex trafficking operations throughout the continent, you and a team of others had successfully taken him down. A nd even t h ough h is whole operation was shut down,  and  this entire mission being everything that you have ever wanted—everything that you would have been proud of to call the best moment in your career with the FBI—knowing that you might have driven away the most important person in your life, you questioned if it was even worth it.

If only you had just been patient, these people would not have been made targets to get back at you and everyone would still be where they were, safe at home and in their beds, or whatever the hell it is that people do during the holidays. 

_ It was all your fault _ .

Stepping outside the venue, you welcomed the chill of the winter air on your cheeks and down your neck, wanting to get away from the laughing and the overall atmosphere that everyone had been enjoying.  The last thing you wanted to do was to bring down the mood at the party. So, d espite the makeup, the hair, and the nice dress, your fake smile could only get you so far when you just couldn’t get yourself into the mood to celebrate.

The pessimist in you asked w hat was there to even celebrate?

These past few weeks have been a blur of fire and gunshots, blood, smoke and viscera, but the moment you saw your partner, Sam, reunited with his  wife and  big brother, Dean, after  they both had  be en taken off the grid under witness protection, your heart broke a little. 

Sam had been a major part of your sting operation, and he had been your most trusted partner for the past 7-years. It had wrecked you when that costly mistake had exposed Sam as a part of the operation, in which Metatron personally went for Sam’s closest friends and family . Dean  and Jess were the most important  people  in his life—and Metatron would have done anything to get Sam where it hurt the most. You could barely get yourself to look both Sam and Dean in the eyes after that.

It’d been a few days since  the reunion after all. W ouldn’t  the department head let you know if something went wrong?

With a heavy heart, you began walking down the sidewalk, unsure of how to face the future.  Your biggest case was now closed, but at what cost?  Surely, he would’ve been given the green light to  come out of hiding now that Metatron was in custody ? Unless, he didn’t make it… that had to be the best explanation, easier to deal with. 

If he didn’t make it though, someone would have told the division head, it didn’t make sense to think that way ...  unless, he decided during his year away that you weren’t worth it anymore.

It wasn’t like anything was set in stone when you two had to go separate ways.  What the two of you had was probably fleeting, and although the thought of him thinking that way broke your heart, deep down you knew that it was better that way. He probably realized that you weren’t worth his time, that he could do so much better than you—that you were  _ poison _ . 

Despite the history the two of you had, the many years of friendship, the  _ kiss _ before everything went down—h e had every right to blame you for taking him away from his normal life with what you had done.

Yeah, that would explain it.

You let out a wet sigh, trying your hardest to push down all the negative thoughts, at least until you were away from the public’s eyes. It wouldn’t look good for a now-publicly-renown-FBI-agent to have a mental breakdown in the middle of the streets. You did get the Shield of Bravery after all for leading this sting , on Public TV .

Making your way down, you found yourself approaching a lone bar stand for the party goers that had made it outside. It was a quick glimpse that got your heart racing, and you _ swore _ that it was him, but the stranger turned away immediately going back to whatever drink was in front of him. 

_ Stupid. Why would he be  _ _ waiting  _ _ here  _ _ for _ _ you? _

You stood in front of the stand, doubling down your efforts to hold back your tears.

“What can I get you, miss?” The  cute  bartender asked tenderly.

“Whiskey. On the rocks,” you responded, peeking discretely at the man next to you whose profile was turned away. All hope that you held onto previously fizzled away realizing that you were just projecting his ghost onto others. 

_ He doesn’t want you. _

Without a second thought, you  immediately  chugged  the drink placed in front of you , relishing the burn in your throat and the warmth radiating from your insides.  It didn’t matter, though.  Your heart was still cold.

Not wanting to stay out any longer, you quickly dropped a large bill and wrapped yourself tighter with the light shawl that you were stupid enough to wear in t he winter weather .

Still, you decided to walk home,  taking the scenic route,  and being  mindful of the people who were around you as you were lost in your head, relying mainly on muscle memory to get you to where you were trying to go. 

You failed to even recognize the  echo of footsteps following from behind .

The moment you closed the door behind you, you  slid to the floor, tears falling down your cheeks as you hid your cries into your elbow. You couldn’t stand to look any longer at the empty apartment, lacking of the life that you had  started to  buil d  for yourself just a little over a year ago. 

_ You were empty. _

A knock came from the door, shaking you out of your moment. Quickly wiping your face, you looked through the peephole, confusion covering your face as you saw a familiar face.

Opening the door, you were greeted with a nervous Sam, as he kicked at the floor, fidgety hands in his pocket.

“Sam,” you  wetly  acknowledged. “What are you doing here?” 

You hated the look of pity on his face, and quickly you wiped at your face again. You were pretty sure that your makeup was smudged thoroughly, but you couldn’t care less. You just wanted to take a hot shower and lay under the cold sheets.

“Hey, Y/N /N , how are you holding up?”

The look on your face alone had Sam burn red in his cheeks as he realized his mistake.

“I didn't see you at the party, so I came here to try and find you,” he mused quietly. “Guess I found you.”

Leaning on your door, you wiped at your eyes again, just wanting to be left alone.

“Thanks for checking up on me, Sam, but I really just want to be left alone,” you responded  in a ruder tone than you had intended . “I’ll see you at work,” you continued kindly , not waiting for a response as you moved to close the door.

Sam shot out his hand, pushing himself through the door frame nervously as he stuttered out the next words.

“It wasn’t your fault,  y’know ?”

You stepped backwards, rather irritated that he just walked into your apartment after you made it clear that you wanted to be alone. Just like everything else going wrong in your life, you deflated, feeling utterly defeated in taking back control of your life.

“Y/N, it wasn’t your fault with what happened last year,” Sam quietly said, stepping closer to you as you unknowingly curl into yourself, arms wrapped around yourself as if you wanted to be your own  coc oon . 

Sam gently laid his large hand on your shoulder, dipping downwards to be at your eye level, radiating comfort and understanding, knowing that all those bad thoughts would be running through your head.

“You don’t know that,” you muttered, tears burning in your eyes.

“Yes—yes, I do! Y/N, it didn’t matter how you handled that night—you had a good shot and I would’ve done the same thing if I was in your shoes, but it wouldn’t have mattered because he knew we were there the whole time.”

You looked into Sam’s hazel eyes, tears brimming your own as you listen to what he had to say.

“What?” You asked incredulously, as if you hadn’t heard the words coming out of his mouth. “What do you mean?”

The corner of Sam’s lips tilted upwards, a glimmer of hope in his eyes as he had a chance of bringing you back from the darkness in your mind.

“Bobby told me earlier today, wanted me to keep it quiet for now, but I knew I had to talk to you first. You’re my partner, Y/N, my best friend. You were there for my wedding, remember? I knew that this ha d been eating you up since Dean  and Jess  had to go away, but  they’re back now.  They’re safe.

“Y/N, Internal Affairs is getting involved. All of the evidence , including  Metatron’s statement , point s to a mole in the Department. They would have known about the sting anyways.”

Your eyes went wide at the news, a myriad of emotions running through you as every possible thought and theory flicker through your mind. 

_ It wasn’t your fault. _

_ It wasn’t your fault. _

_ It wasn’t your fault. _

_ It wasn’t your fault. _

_ He’s still gone. _

Despite all these being terrible circumstances, and as happy as you are that they are looking into it all—he still wasn’t back. The smile that crept on your face stilled, your face fell at the conclusion, that no matter what happened—he still would not have stayed.

You wiped at your face again with your forearms, tears still falling freely from your eyes at the pain radiating from within.

On a normal day, you would’ve  at least chuckled at the multitude of facial expressions crossing Sam’s face—mostly panic—as you reacted differently from how he had expected you to.

“I appreciate you letting me know, Sam, but I’m really tired,” you responded under your breath. You put on the best smile as you went towards the door that had shut behind the Moose.

Reaching for the handle, you turned and pulled the door open as you looked back at Sam with a kind smile, “I will see you on Monday, alright?”

_ “Isn’t it funny that most times people look but they don’t really see!?”  _ Sam spat out quickly in alarm , his hand clapping over his mouth at his own word vomit.

“Sam, what in all of hell does that even mean?”

Your face twisted in confusion at whatever nonsense was coming out of his mouth, noticing as Sam’s eyes went from looking at you to looking behind you with shock written on his face.

“Hey.” The words came out quietly causing you to turn in your spot. You blinked once, twice, making sure that it wasn’t an illusion, your mouth opened and closed like a fish out of water. 

Was it really him? The tilted, shy smile on his face, he was nervous, you could tell. Maybe, so were you.

Were you dreaming?

“Cas?” 

With a nod, you took a step forward, then another until you flung yourself into his arms, an ugly wail ripping from your throat. Tears fell down your face, your nose dripping with snot as you held tight to the man in front of you .

A hand cradled the back of your head as another wrapped itself around your waist, pulling you flush against his lean body.

You dug your face into the crook of his neck, wishing that this wasn’t a dream or a fragment of a very drunk imagination.

Quietly, Sam sidled his way through the door frame as he left the two of you to have your moment.

Fingers gently carded through your hair until the pressure around your waist disappeared and two large hands cradled your face. You were sure you were a weeping mess, babbling nonsense as you took in the image before you.

You were sure  it was him before, but you looked again to take the image of him in . His eyes, although a little sunken in, were still that b eautiful, b aby blue , and his scruff had been grown out to a beard.

Walking the two of you backwards, your mind blanked out as he closed the door behind and led you to your room, sitting you down on the edge of your bed as he knelt in front of you.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he called out tearfully, pushing your hair away from your face. “Long time no see,” he continued.

Wordlessly, you stared into his eyes, hands gently cradling his cheeks as you take in the little changes over the past year. Cautiously leaning in, the first touch of your lips was truly a magical experience—exactly like how it had been the first and only other time that you had kissed. The moment he let you in, you could taste a hint of whiskey on his tongue.

You pulled back suddenly, confusion running through your mind, as your fingers touched your lips.

“You were there, at the bar,” you softly accused. “I  had  saw you.”

Castiel’s cheeks flushed red with guilt.

“And you didn’t say anything,” you continued dully.  “I thought I was losing my mind.”

“I—I was scared,” he admitted. “I wasn’t sure how to approach you,” he continued nervously as he pushed hair out of your face.

“After everything that’s happened—there wasn’t a day that I wasn’t thinking about coming back home to you.”

Gently twisting your fingers in his shirt, you pulled him forward, lips coming together once more. Wrapping your legs around his waist, you felt your world flip as you were laid down on your bed. 

He was always very handsome in your eyes,  but the sight of him hovering over you, lips swollen and cheeks flushed had you blushing like a highschooler, knowing that you made him look that way.

You were  _ happy. _

Confused at the sad look on his face, you flinched slightly at the feel of his thumb wiping away at the tears that made their way down your face. You weren’t even sure when they fell.

“I’m okay,” you whispered, scared to break the silence.

The look on his face was still one without conviction.

“Cas, I’m okay,” you reassured him again as you wrapped your arms around his neck. “You’re here. You’re safe,” you breathed out loud, not sure whether or not you were trying to convince him or yourself.

“We don’t have to do this,” he responded, pulling away gently yet still confined in your arms.

“You’re back,” you whispered into the space between the two of you, a shy smile on your face. “I thought I had lost you, but now that you’re here, I don’t want to let you go.”

A moment passed in silence before  Castiel surged forward, kissing you gently with a renewed passion, clothes slowly slipping off one or the other and onto the floor until the two of you were bare for one another.

You laid there, vulnerable and willing for him as he knelt in between your legs, the weight of his want against you as he took you apart, piece by piece, peppering soft kisses on every inch of your body as he opened you up.

The moment he entered you, you knew he was the one for you.  It was as if you were the perfect lock and key. Images of y our lives together flashed in your mind, from the moment you met him, to the moment where you could see your future together. He was it for you.

You gasped out loud as he rocked himself in and out of you,  caressing your insides,  your fingers  entangled with his a bove your head , your legs wrapped tightly around him. You moaned into his mouth, the mere touch of his lips and his tongue filling your heart to the brim.

“I love you,” you mewled into his mouth.

“I love you,” you chanted quietly in the bubble that you’ve created for yourself as he brought the both of you to completion, stars bursting behind your eyes.

You  winced , feeling empty and cold as he pulled out and away from you. Again, tears running down the side of your face as you covered your face with your forearms, wanting to hide away your shame and weakness.  But you were  _ happy _ .

The sound of water running and shutting off was distant in your mind, the quiet  foot steps making him known to be back in your presence. You  flinch ed as the warmth of the towel slid across your heated skin and sensitive parts, as he gently took care to clean you up.

There was a soft , wet sound as the cloth was tossed to the side and the bed dipped under the weight of  him as he s ettled against your side, pulling you into his arms. 

He  pushed your arms away from your face, a soft look as h is eyes traveled across your face, leaning to rest his forehead against yours.

“Cas?” You quietly muttered. He’d been quiet the whole time, even his moans came out as soft gasps and breaths.

“Go to sleep, baby,” he whispered quietly, laying your head on his chest. With the slow rise and fall of his chest , and the quiet thumping of his heart,  your eyes fell closed, and for the first night in over a year, you slept soundly.

A soft and gentle touch against your cheek awoke you , blue eyes looking back at you being the evidence that he was back and that last night was real. 

“Marry me,” he muttered after a moment.

Your  sleepy  eyes went wide, unsure if you’d heard that right, but the sincere look in his eyes only solidified his request.

“Y/N, marry me.”

You pulled back slightly, shock flowing through your veins, a look of disappointment flashing across his face at your silence.

“I know this is all  very,  _ very _ new, but you’ve been my best friend for so many years , my biggest support. 

“I’ve had nothing but time to think in this past year, and I’ve realized that you have always been there for me, and I can’t imagine  another moment in  my life without you.”

Another moment of silence, and accepting it as rejection, he began to pull away.

“Yes,” you whispered, unsure of what it was that you were doing. Castiel stilled in his spot, eyes open wide in a pure childish manner as he looked back at you.

“Yes,” you responded again, louder this time, the words just spilling out of your mouth.

Giggles bubbled from your throat, the familiar toothy grin reflecting your own on his face as he pulled you back into his arms, kisses peppered across your neck and face. 

It felt like hours, just laying quietly side by side, swaddled in your own moment of bliss—as if the past year hadn’t happened—but you knew that wasn’t the case.

“We’ve got so much to catch up on, Novak,” you muttered, sadness lacing your words.

The look of pure adoration and affection from the man beside you—the one you thought had left you behind —wrecked you .

“I don’t know about you, but I’ve got all the time in the world, Y/L/N,” he responded jokingly, trying to lift the mood.

“I’ve missed you, so much,” you responded softly. “I had so much I wanted to talk to you about, but you weren’t here, and I’m so sorry for everything,” you continued in a panic , the air of bliss dissipating quickly.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he responded, lightly combing his fingers across your scalp. “I’m here, remember? I’m okay. I’m right here with you.”

Nodding slowly, the smile returned to his face as he rolled over, caging you in his arms.

“No more tears, okay?” You tearfully giggled as Cas thumbed the tears from the side of your face.

“I love you,  Castiel ,” you confessed again for the hundredth time. “I should have realized it before, but it was too late.”

The touch of his soft lips against yours grounded you, made it all so very real. Looking into his bright eyes, his love for you was louder than the words that could ever come out of his mouth. The little gasp that pulled air into your lungs was like a brand-new start, and although you knew that there were still questions to be asked and answers to be told, you trusted that he would be there for you, side-by-side, through your ups-and-downs. Your  _ forevermore. _

“I love you, Y/N Y/L/N,” he confessed. “We’ve got so much planning to do as well, right?”

A giggle escaped your mouth as he playfully poked your sensitive side.

“No more tears,” you reiterated, a toothy smile on your face at the thought of the adventures heading your way.

“No more tears,”  Castiel echoed one last time. “Merry Christmas, Y/N.”

Without another word,  Castiel kissed you, laying himself over your entire body for a continuation of the night before.

There was a lot to do, there were a lot of words to say, but in the moment, you couldn’t think of any better place to be. All you know was that he was safe, he was here, and there wasn’t a better time in the world than to be in the moment that you were in now.

It was a Merry Christmas, indeed.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading to the end! I know the end was kind of abrupt, but like I mentioned above, I really did not know how to end it properly.
> 
> Apologies for any of the incoherencies.. the main reasoning is because this story is based off a dream that I had a few days prior.
> 
> To explain the plot, basically it was about being an FBI agent. It was very vivid, and lengthy considering, regarding thorough investigations and going undercover, even going so far as to facilitating witness protection for the 'love of my life' (I'm single in real life, it's sad that I dream about my love life), and the family of my dream-partner. There's a lot of violence, gunshots, fire, etc, and at the end of the mission, my dream-partner reunited with their family, and it was a very beautiful moment. 
> 
> I think I might have woken up in tears in the part after, when the person dream-me had been waiting for never showed up. There were a lot of tears in the dream, as in real life when I was writing this (lol), and the weird phrase that I typed out for Sam was actually part of the dream I had (Except it wasn't in the apartment, it was in a bathroom (where dream-me was crying) when a character came out of the stall next to me with a giant cue card in their hands that read something similar to his dialogue, and then behind him, the dream-lover stepped out to surprise dream-me).
> 
> It's kind of confusing. It's been something that's been running through my head so much in these past few days.
> 
> I'm also bedridden currently due to a back injury, and so all I could really do was watch TV and write.  
> It's not the best thing I've done, but I definitely wanted to translate my imagination the best I could onto this platform, and even though it wasn't an SPN based dream, I figured I can project the characters onto the storyline and see if I could make it work that way!
> 
> Anyways, thanks again for reading this garbage!  
> Comments, kudos, constructive criticism, they all help.  
> Much love to you all! ♥


End file.
